Love Your Enemy : How Kindness Restores the Soul
In recent training with the American Association of Christian Counselors and drawing from Harvard and Duke research, I discovered just how much kindness transforms our relationships. Not only can kindness affect our relationships, but it can also restore certain biomedical markers, such as lower levels of depression, anxiety, inflammation, blood pressure, and stress hormones. Kindness can even contribute to better heart and dental health!
For a long time, I believed that kindness was loving my enemy by applying a spiritual strategy of some sort or an act of self-control that disarmed them and revealed God’s love. Perhaps even a choice I had to make in a brief moment when confronted with my emotions. While that may be true, I never fully realized how much kindness actually can reshape a mind, heal a soul, and even change brain chemistry in ways that bring deeper peace and joy.
As Christians, we need to understand that kindness is not niceness. Niceness is more of a surface gesture to keep things pleasant and does not rock the boat. But true kindness mimics Christ with a concern about the best interest of the other person. True kindness has strength and self-control. Why self-control? Because we have to be kind when we really don’t want to be. And it turns out that whether we truly thrive in life and relationships depends far more on how we treat others than on how we ourselves are treated.
Scripture clearly commands us to love one another, but have you ever paused to consider the benefits to ourselves when we choose kindness? Let’s explore how kindness nurtures our whole being. Research by scholars like Shaunti Feldhahn and other human flourishing experts shows that kindness leads to:
Improved physical health: lower blood pressure, stronger immune system, and better heart health
Better mental health: reduced depression and anxiety, increased happiness and life satisfaction
Stronger relationships: deepened trust, connection, and social support
Greater spiritual well-being: a sense of purpose, peace, and connection to God and others
Jesus tells us to do unto others as you’d have done to you. He is referring to mistreatment and being kind in spite of mistreatment. Of course, boundaries are needed, but in essence Jesus is calling us to be kind and generous, despite the context of the offense.
Kindness can create a ripple effect. When we choose to be kind, everyone around us benefits, and so do we. Now, here is the super cool part; at least, I think neuroscience is super cool. The brain is an organ that is wired for connection. Acts of kindness light up brain areas associated with reward, motivation, and empathy.
Kindness releases dopamine, which is the “feel good” neurotransmitter, and it’s capable of producing what scientists call a “helper’s high.”
It triggers the release of oxytocin and dopamine, reducing stress and increasing social connection.
Kindness activates and strengthens the prefrontal cortex, enhancing our ability to practice self-control, improving empathy, and improving moral decision-making.
Regular kindness can reshape neural pathways, growing brain areas linked to compassion, gratitude, and joy.
Spiritually, kindness reflects God’s love and produces fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
This neuroplasticity means kindness can change the structure and function of our brains and push our soul toward flourishing and peace. The Bible invites us again and again to live lives marked by kindness as one of the fruits of the Spirit and a reflection of God’s love for us:
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:32
“A kindhearted woman gains honor, but ruthless men gain only wealth.” — Proverbs 11:16
“Love one another deeply, from the heart.” — 1 Peter 1:22
Kindness also softens our hearts and opens us to God’s transformative work while producing inner renewal and peace.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” — Psalm 51:10
We need to know that mental health is more than emotional stability; it is spiritual well-being and alignment with God’s design for our lives.
Kindness helps us:
Overcome bitterness and anger by choosing love over resentment (Romans 12:21).
Build community and belonging because God designed us for relationship (Hebrews 10:24-25).
Grow in Christlikeness since Jesus modeled ultimate kindness and compassion (Philippians 2:5-8).
Experience joy and peace as we reflect on God’s nature and obey His commands (Galatians 5:22-23).
If you are a Christian, you are aware of sin. There is a sinful tendency to always point the finger at the other person. Every one of us values kindness, but here’s a problem: we (myself included) might already think we are kind. We are often unaware that we are not as encouraging or kind as we think we are. We all need training in righteousness, and the experts tell us the first step is awareness of our own behaviors. When you are kind to others, it helps them thrive, but it also changes you. You become more Christ-like, and your soul becomes more sanctified.
Here is another truth from both neuroscience and Scripture: what you focus on, you will see. In relationships, we can have selected focus, meaning we are so focused on one thing that we completely miss something that may be important. In difficult relationships, we often only see the negative. One goal of true biblical kindness is to focus on what is good, and that can change how you feel, which can then influence how you think.
Simply put, what you choose to focus on can shift your emotions, reshape your thoughts, and renew your relationships.
So let’s look at how we can intentionally cultivate kindness in daily life.
Start small: Simple acts like a smile, a compliment, or a helping hand.
Practice gratitude: Thankfulness naturally leads to kindness.
Be intentional: Choose to forgive and encourage, even when it’s hard.
Pray for a kind heart: Ask God to soften your soul and guide your words and actions.
Surround yourself with kind people: Build habits through community and example.
Three Steps in Kindness Toward a Difficult Person
Say nothing negative about the person: no criticism, no complaining, not even to others.
Look for one thing you can affirm or praise about that person.
Do one small act of kindness or generosity toward that person.
Kindness is a powerful, God-ordained means to heal our brains, restore our souls, and flourish in every area of life. May we all choose kindness and participate in God’s ongoing work of redemption, becoming more like Christ and drawing others toward His love.
References:
Feldhahn, S. (2017). The Kindness Challenge: Thirty Days to Improve Any Relationship. WaterBrook.
Koenig, H. G., VanderWeele, T. J., & Peteet, J. R. (2023). Handbook of Religion and Health (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press. https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190088859.001.0001
Newberg, A. B., & Waldman, M. R. (2012). Words can change your brain: 12 conversation strategies to build trust, resolve conflict, and increase intimacy. Hudson Street Press.
VanderWeele, T. J. (n.d.). Human Flourishing Program. Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. Retrieved September 5, 2025, from https://hsph.harvard.edu/research/vanderweele-group/human-flourishing-program/
