The Lens We Live by Changes Everything
Ahh, relationships are both one of the most beautiful and most complicated parts of being human.
I want to begin with a brief story.
Early in my marriage, my husband and I went to a therapist to help us communicate better. During one session, the therapist looked at me and asked, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”
I remember thinking, What a ridiculous question. Of course I want both.
At the time, I genuinely could not understand why those two things seemed opposed to one another. Wasn’t I supposed to be truthful with my spouse? Wasn’t part of love helping each other recognize sin, communicate honestly, and grow together?
Over time, much time… I began to realize something unsettling: I was so focused on being right that I was losing my audience. Meaning my desire for truth was not always delivered in a gentle or kind manner. It certainly was not patient or humble. I may have been arguing for the right things, but I was representing Christ poorly in the process.
Apologetics (the defense of our faith) can sometimes suffer from this same problem. We become so focused on winning the point that we forget who we are representing (Christ). Truth matters deeply, but the spirit in which we carry truth matters too. Our words, actions, and even the intentions of our hearts can point people towards Christ or away from Him.
Scripture shows us that relationships are places where formation is constantly happening, both within us and with others. If that is true, then how we see and respond to others is also deeply spiritual.
Scripture says that the beginning of all wisdom is the fear of God. Not fear as in fight or flight, but a reverent awareness that our actions, words, and thoughts matter before Him. The problem is that often in our relationships, we are not intentionally thinking about this while interacting with others.
Therefore, to better our relationships, one of the first things we must remember is that you and I were created for a relationship with God. He is our ultimate secure attachment. From that secure relationship flows our potential to relate to others. We simply must spend time with Him, in His word, in order to be transformed. There is not a better way. As C. S. Lewis noted, human loves become rightly ordered when grounded in God’s love. This reality brings the weight of our relationships into sharper focus. Scripture states that the same measure we apply to others will be applied to us.
“For with the judgment you pronounce, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:2
When we realize just how fallen we are as sinful creatures in need of a Savior, we begin to understand how deep the sacrifice of Christ truly was. While we were in direct rebellion against Him, He moved toward us in mercy. Out of that realization should flow a deep gratitude that Christ paid the price for our sin.
And from that gratitude, grace should begin to shape the way in which we relate to others.
That does not mean we ignore sin or abandon truth. It means we learn to carry truth in a way that reflects the heart of Christ. Our relationships should point people toward God through the same loving, grace-filled posture that He first showed to us.
I need to pause there, because that is the hinge on which our relationships swing. They either point people toward Christ or away from Him, and we need to be deeply aware of this (wisdom). Our words, our outward behaviors, even our inward posture toward others, should reflect Him.
Ouch. Convicted.
I am not always focused on this, but I am practicing it daily. Thank goodness grace abounds.
Let’s look emotionally and spiritually at how we can practically begin to reshape the way we think and respond in relationships.
The Power of Five
In my own walk, I have learned to apply a simple practice that has deeply changed the way I think, interpret, and behave in relationships. I intentionally pursue five positives for every negative interaction. That may sound overly simplistic, but it has profoundly reshaped the posture of my heart.
I know that left unchecked, my mind can easily fixate on what is frustrating, disappointing, or painful in another person. Negative interactions then can begin to compound, and before long, I can start interpreting the entire relationship through the lens of irritation rather than grace. This is why Scripture repeatedly calls us to renew our minds, take thoughts captive, encourage one another, and dwell on what is true, honorable, and good. What we consistently meditate on eventually shapes the way we perceive others and respond to them.
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, so that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
And yet, we know as Christians that some battles are deeper than communication struggles. Sometimes there is a spiritual battle taking place beneath the surface. Some seasons take time, and victory may not be immediately visible in the physical realm, but that does not mean there is no spiritual progress. This does not mean ignoring sin, pretending problems do not exist, or avoiding difficult conversations. But it does mean refusing to allow negativity to become the dominant interpretive lens of the relationship. We need to learn to love one another as Jesus said so that we each are set free from the sin that so entangles us.
Therefore, we need to learn to play the long game. Christ is Lord over relationships, and our responsibility is not to control people but to obey Him and represent Him faithfully. That means taking accountability when we fail, asking forgiveness when needed, and allowing the Holy Spirit to continually reshape our thoughts, reactions, and behaviors.
Over time, that kind of steady pursuit changes relationships. It also changes us. We learn to let go of control and expectation, and we learn to trust in God to handle all things as we submit to Him. That is the hope we have in Christ.
Our biological design, from the ultimate Designer, is designed for this. It is designed for change. Our behaviors and our thoughts are not set in stone. Neuroscience explains that our brains are neuroplastic, meaning they can be changed and rewired with intention. This refers to our physical brain, which is capable of change and adaptation. In the same way, as a created being with both body and spirit, our inner life can also be shaped and renewed. It is my belief that our mind is part of our soul. Our soul is what is being sanctified and ultimately redeemed in Christ, even beyond our physical lives.
Because we have a soul, we need to make space for grace in our relationships so that both others and we ourselves can be transformed for God’s glory. We need to trust that even when things look upside down or like a hot mess, God is still able to bring order and restoration to both our physical lives and our spiritual souls.
In other words, we are all in the sanctification process (being transformed from our old sinful self toward our redeemed, sanctified self). It’s a process, and it takes time. When we interact with others and it doesn’t go well for whatever reason, we need to remember that the other person, or even ourselves, is in this process. They need an advocate to point them towards God, and so do we. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we knew someone has our back and is willing to fight our sin so we could see Jesus?
We need the broad view that if people are pursuing Christ and they are trying to get it right by the grace of Jesus Christ, then we should not be a barrier to Christ. In this way, wounds are redeemed by the steady experience of God’s presence. Our interactions, therefore, are opportunities to point to Christ or away from Christ. It’s that simple yet complex.
“Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart.” 1 Peter 1:22
So how do we behave as Christians? First, we need to confess and repent so that we can be honest and restore our direction.
“Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16
Then, we need to forgive like Christ. Keep no record of wrong and look to the finished product of sanctification. We need to understand that one of the enemy’s tactics is to sow discord in our relationships. We need to refuse defeat and remember Christ paid the price for victory.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another also means enduring patiently. Kindly. It requires respect of free will and God’s work in the lives of our loved ones. To love someone is to will their good, both morally and spiritually. It is also important to be present and provide sacrificial care. Setting aside our agenda to best serve our loved ones is at times sacrificial.
The Christian mindset should always point towards repair. And it may, at times, require mediated conversation, pastoral counsel, patient rebuilding of trust, and a willingness to endure discomfort for the sake of unity. God understands that, and He can move us toward restored relationships sustained by hope in Christ.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
“Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.” Psalm 1:1–2
Putting It Into Practice: The Power of Five Habits
By intentional practice, repetition, and the power of the Holy Spirit, we can change our distorted thinking patterns that fuel unhealthy relational behaviors. We can learn, with intention, to replace those distortions with truthful, constructive thoughts. Then our emotional and behavioral responses begin to change. Here’s a simple framework:
Step 1: Catch the negative thought
Awareness is key.
Step 2: Challenge it
Ask: Is this fully true? What evidence do I have?
Step 3: Replace with five positives
Not wishful thinking, but a truthful, balanced perspective.
Step 4: Repeat consistently.
Neuroplasticity requires repetition.
For example: Negative thought: “They don’t care about me.”
Five positives:
1. “They’ve supported me before.”
2. “I may not have all the information.”
3. “I am valued regardless of this moment.”
4. “I can communicate instead of assume.”
5. “This relationship is bigger than one interaction.”
Relationships will always remain both beautiful and difficult because people are still in the process of becoming sanctified. Through forgiveness, truth, patience, humility, and renewed thinking, we can begin to reflect Christ more clearly within our relationships. The goal is faithful transformation through the work of the Holy Spirit.
My prayer is that you abide under God’s wing, seek wisdom, and pursue holiness by reading God’s word and stepping out in faith and good reason to apply Scripture in your life.
References
New International Bible. (2011). Zondervan. (Original work published 1978).
