Frustrated That Someone Won’t Change

Have you ever found yourself exhausted trying to help someone who seems determined not to change?

I don’t have to explain, because most likely at some point, you have prayed about it, you have tried to find the right words, the right timing, and maybe even replayed conversations in your mind. What possibly could you could say that might finally help them see what you see.

And then nothing changes. You feel frustrated.

One of the hardest lessons in loving people as we are commanded to do, is to learn the difference between supporting someone's change and trying to force it. And I believe this distinction matters for our spiritual health.

When we use a confrontational approach over a more relational approach can be helpful in today’s culture. Trust me there is a place for being confrontational, but I want to emphasize that confrontation does not work well without relationship.

Consider what happens when we approach a person this way.

Imagine a teenager who is struggling with substance use. Instead of first asking about her life, her relationships, her struggles, and what matters to her, the counselor immediately begins warning her about everything that could go wrong.

The counselor believes he is helping. He wants her to avoid harmful consequences. But she experiences his approach as intimidating and judgmental. She feels misunderstood. Instead of becoming more open to change, she begins defending the very behavior he wants her to reconsider.

The harder he pushes, the harder she pushes back.

Why? Because he has started with the problem instead of the person.

He has decided what she needs to change before understanding what her current behavior means to her. He is arguing against something she believes helps her cope, while offering little evidence that he understands the circumstances she is trying to survive.

This is an important lesson for our relationships.

Sometimes, in our frustration, we become so focused on what another person needs to change that we stop being curious about what is happening inside them.

The more we push, the more defensive they become.

We assume that because our intentions are good, our approach must be helpful. You can be right about the problem and still approach the person in a way that closes the door to change.

This is not an argument for refusing to hold people accountable. It is an invitation to consider whether our approach is helping someone reflect or simply giving them another reason to defend themselves.

Galatians 6:1–5 gives us a helpful path to follow. Paul instructs believers to restore someone who has fallen into wrongdoing with gentleness. He also tells them to carry one another's burdens while recognizing that each person has a responsibility to carry their own load.

We are called to care about another person's burden, but we are not instructed to assume responsibility for every decision that person makes. It does not mean that we approve of everything someone does.

This is where our understanding of biblical love matters. Love  requires us to consider how we treat them while we are trying to help. Gosh, I wish I understood this earlier in my life.

Ephesians 4:15 speaks of speaking the truth in love. James 1:19 encourages us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

These passages challenge the assumption that we must increase the pressure whenever someone resists our advice. Sometimes, the more biblical response is to slow down and listen.

Practically, we can recognize people’s strengths and show interest in them.  We can work on building a relationship in which honest reflection could happen. This is such an important principle when we are frustrated. Here are two useful concepts from motivational change: change talk and sustain talk.

Change talk is language that points toward the possibility of change. A person might express a desire to do something differently and begin to recognize a reason to change.

Sustain talk is language that supports maintaining the current behavior. A person might explain why they enjoy it, why they do not consider it a problem, or why other circumstances seem more important right now. When we are frustrated, we often respond to sustain talk by arguing against it.

They say, "I don't think this is a problem."

We respond with a list of reasons it is.

They say, "You don't understand what I'm going through."

We explain why they need to listen to us.

They say, "I'm not ready."

We tell them why they should be.

Then the conversation becomes a debate.

Instead of arguing, look for an opportunity to identify a reason why someone might consider change. This approach does not guarantee that a person will change. It does, however, give them an opportunity to participate in their own reflection and exercise free will.

For self-reflection, we can ask:

Am I trying to understand what is keeping them where they are, or am I simply trying to prove that they should be somewhere else?

Am I listening for what matters to them, or am I waiting for an opening to make my next argument?

Am I making room for an honest answer, even if it is not the answer I hoped to hear?

When we repeatedly try to make another person change, we can become emotionally consumed by their decisions. We replay conversations and at times, monitor their behavior. Our thoughts keep returning to the same question: Why won't they change?

Over time, this can leave us exhausted, resentful, anxious, and disconnected from our own lives.

The reality is, we can communicate clearly and still be misunderstood. This is where a biblical understanding of responsibility can help protect our mental health. Instead of continually asking, "How can I get this person to change?" we can ask, "What is mine to do faithfully in this situation?"

The Global Flourishing Study offers a helpful broader perspective on what it means to live a healthy and meaningful life. This research involves 200,000 participants across 22 countries and examines flourishing across six dimensions: happiness and life satisfaction, mental and physical health, meaning and purpose, character and virtue, close social relationships, and material and financial stability.

The significance of this framework is that human flourishing is not reduced to one outcome or one area of life. Our well-being includes our relationships, our health, our sense of purpose, our character, and the conditions in which we live. That broader view is worth remembering when we become consumed by someone else's unwillingness to change.

Here are several practices drawn from the principles in our dialogue and considered through a biblical lens.

1. Begin with curiosity rather than confrontation

Before telling someone what they need to do differently, seek to understand what is happening in their world. Ask open questions. Listen to the answer. Resist the urge to immediately correct every statement you disagree with.

You might say:

"I can see that we are looking at this differently. Help me understand how you see it."

Or:

"What do you wish I understood about your situation?"

These are genuine invitations to understand.

2. Recognize the person beyond the problem

Notice strengths and acknowledge effort. Recognize the pressures someone is navigating. Remember the qualities you value in them.

3. Ask what they would like to see change

Try asking:

"What would you like to be different about this situation?"

"Is there anything about how things are going that concerns you?"

"If one part of this situation could improve, what would you want it to be?"

You may discover that their priorities differ from yours. You may also discover a shared concern that gives you a constructive place to begin. Either way, you have moved away from trying to impose a conclusion and toward exploring whether there is a change the person is willing to consider.

4. Listen for the reasons they might change

When people explain why they are not ready to change, resist the urge to treat every answer as an objection you must defeat.

For example:

"You mentioned that you are tired of us having the same argument. What do you wish were different?"

The goal is not to put words in their mouth. It is to give them room to identify their own motivations.

5. Respect their agency without abandoning your convictions

This is where things can become difficult.

You can say, "I respect that this is your decision, but I cannot support that choice."

You can offer help without taking over responsibility.

The biblical call to gentleness is not a command to surrender wisdom or discernment. Galatians 6 places restoration alongside the instruction to watch ourselves. We are called to help thoughtfully, not to lose ourselves in another person's struggle.

6. Set boundaries

A boundary is not a strategy for forcing someone to change. It is a decision about what you will do to protect your own well-being and act responsibly.

For example:

"I am willing to talk about this, but I am not willing to continue while we are shouting at each other."

"I want our relationship to improve. If we cannot discuss this respectfully right now, I am going to take a break and return to the conversation later."

Boundaries may disappoint someone. They may even prompt conflict. Their purpose, however, is not to guarantee that the other person responds in the way you prefer. Their purpose is to make your participation in the relationship more honest, safe, and sustainable.

7. Return your attention to the life you are responsible for living

This may be the most important practice for your mental health.

After you have listened, spoken honestly, offered support, and established appropriate boundaries, you may still have to live with uncertainty. You may not know whether the person will change or recognize the problem. You may not know whether the relationship will become what you hope it can be.

Return to the responsibilities and relationships that are yours to nurture. Make time for rest, meaningful activities, prayer, healthy friendships, and the support you need. You do not have to pretend that the situation does not hurt. You simply do not have to make the unresolved situation the center of your entire life.

Philippians 4:6–9 points believers toward prayer and the practice of what we have learned. It can help us redirect our attention toward faithful practices and accept what we cannot control.

Christian apologetics asks us to think carefully about what we believe and why we believe it. It invites us to consider whether our conclusions are reasonable, coherent, and consistent with the faith we profess. That same intellectual honesty matters when we talk about responsibility, free will, and human change.

As Christians, we must take  free will seriously even when we disagree with those choices. And if we believe God can work in people's lives, we should be careful not to assume that we are the instrument of change.

In situations involving serious risks, supporting change does not mean waiting patiently while harm continues. Safety, appropriate professional help, and protective action may need to come first.

If you are frustrated because someone you love will not change, I want to leave you with this thought:

You do not have to stop caring about them. You do not have to pretend their choices are harmless. You do not have to abandon your hope for their growth. We can trust God to be sovereign and work in all situations.

References

Magill, M., Apodaca, T. R., Borsari, B., Gaume, J., Hoadley, A., Gordon, R. E. F., Tonigan, J. S., & Moyers, T. (2018). A meta-analysis of motivational interviewing process: Technical, relational, and conditional process models of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 86(2), 140–157. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000250

The Holy Bible, New International Version. (2011). Zondervan. (Original work published 1978)

VanderWeele, T. J., et al. (2025). The Global Flourishing Study: Study profile and initial results on flourishing. Nature Mental Health, 3, 636–653. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44220-025-00423-5